Is the glass half-full or half-empty?

It's a bit like opening an egg box to discover that all the eggs are broken. Only much, much worse.
I opened my violin case with the itch to play and the opportunity to do so. Something that doesn't happen often these days. I knew straight away something was wrong, it kind of nestled in an awkward position. I touched the strings and it was completely out of tune. On turning it over the whole back was cleaved away from the neck. There's a large hole. I used to have nightmares about this.

But really I am extremely lucky. I played at my Grandmother's funeral a couple of weeks ago. I've always had problems with playing in public, the self awareness, the nerves. But for my grandmother I closed my eyes and sang from somewhere inside. Yes I wobbled but it felt right. And so I am lucky that this didn't happen before her funeral. That I got my chance to say goodbye in my own way, and to have this musical relationship rekindled.
I've always had issues with the performance aspect of making music. In large part result of a classical training, where you practice in solitary confinement only to present a polished piece of music to a passive audience. I think making music should be like eating a family meal; it should be part of the everyday, should be shared, and enjoyed. There might be talking all at once. There might be silence. I've found it difficult to put my beliefs into practice. I had fantasies about playing whilst pregnant, and with my baby, and making our own soundtrack to life. Then I got Dequervain's in my wrist during pregnancy that lasted til Ruben was about one. At one point I could barely turn the key in the door let alone hold a bow. Once it cleared up I'd lost the groove. And the new baby routines, which one fights so hard to establish, had taken over.

So now I really want to play and I can't! But it's a good feeling. It's good to build up a strong itch. I want to return to fiddling and meet some musician friends and play. "Play" really is the best word, the French use it too (jouer), with all it's implications of imagination, mirth, gameship and improvisation. In Portuguese and Spanish they "touch" an instrument (tocar). In Italian they "sound" it (suonare) and of course German has a verb "to make music" (musizieren). But "play" embraces all these meanings and throws them in the air and laughs, and then maybe cries. Quite a bit.

Apparently violins are made to collapse like mine did. The glue that holds them together is strong, but not too strong. So that if the instrument is under pressure, it falls to pieces, rather than splitting the wood. It can then be stuck back together again. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.